This Wasn't Worth $10


THIS WASN’T WORTH $10
Big Screen Bullshit of 2015
by Zooey X

5. Jupiter Ascending (2/5)
I’m sad to say this movie was a bomb, because I think the Wachowskis are brilliant, but it booombed. Channing Tatum and Mila Kunis? If these two clowns are the best for the job, maybe they should’ve just trashed the thing.

4. Avengers: Age of Ultron (3/5)
I thought this movie was going to be really dark and gritty, but Marvel/Whedon disappointed me yet again. The plot was all over the place and nothing really developed during what felt like a 5-hour movie. I snoozed right through this one.

3. Taken 3 (1/5)
The first Taken was terrible. The fact that there were two more of these mofos made is utter insanity to me. Liam Neeson, get back in that Lion suit.

2. American Sniper (1/5)
Two hours of propaganda brainwash. This one paints an unrealistic portrait of what it’s like to be a soldier for the American military. It understates Chris Kyle’s PTSD, idolizing him as a tough soldier who was just doing his job, when in reality this guy was a trigger-happy racist who killed a lot of innocent civilians and children.

1. 50 Shades of Grey (0/5)
The book “50 Shades of Grey” was originally a Twilight BDSM fan fiction. This was then, somehow, funded into a cinematic experience. Or, rather, soft-core-rapey-trash. I wish I could say more, but there’s no way I would stoop so low as to see this high-budget creep-fest.



(an American who disagrees with Zooey X’s review)

Dope

DOPE (2015)
Dir: Rick Famuyiwa
by Jaime Davis

The first thing I learned in film school had to do with movie marketing. When you buy a ticket to watch a film, you’re really buying in to the poster and trailer and other marketing biz baz, not the movie itself. Because, duh, when you buy that ticket, you haven’t seen that movie yet. It could totally suck! The marketing game (i.e. posters, trailers, behind the scenes featurettes) sold you, son. I learned this in the late 90s, before YouTube and the internets and all that, when you couldn’t watch movie trailers for days and days on end (which I’ve been known to do). So instead, in class, we focused on movie posters, or one-sheets. A one-sheet features the heart of a film’s story, told mostly in visual form, condensed into one page. It’s like the soul of the movie you guys. Yeah I know that’s major cheeseball, but it’s truth.

Let’s start with a simple one. And by simple, I mean dumb as hell.


I haven’t seen The Rewrite, but I can tell a lot just from this dang poster. See Hugh Grant is
some kind of teacher, because his smiling British mug has been superimposed in front of a
chalk board. But he’s looking pretty happy and confident here – maybe he hasn’t always been a teacher? He’s obviously the protagonist, because he’s pictured by himself. Ok, now see Marisa Tomei? Maybe she’s a teacher too, or she’s in school herself, hence the bad Photoshop of her over a campus background. And she’s subtly looking up and smiling at Hugh – major LOVE INTEREST alert. Hrrrmmm, I wonder if they end up together.

Here’s one that’s less obvious. And by less obvious, I mean much, much better.


Ok so in this one you’ve got three kids pasted in what’s clearly Los Angeles. Cool, it’s set in LA! That was easy. And the guy in front left is a little bigger than everyone else, so that must mean he’s our hero, and his two friends following him around will fare prominently in the story, but won’t have story lines of their own. The fact that they’re on bikes signals that there’s some sort of action in the film – they’re constantly on the move and running around and cracking cold cases and shit. Well maybe not cracking cold cases. But the bikes imply motion which implies action and adventure! The colors signify fresh and young and modern and FUN! Yes, this movie looks like it could be fun.

I could analyze dumb posters FOR DAYS. Alright, alright, I won’t.

Nowadays, most people who go to the theater/rent/on demand stream movies aren’t relying on one-sheets to influence their buying choices. Nope, you’re mostly influenced by the trailer (or a cast/trailer combo, or a few trailers). And let me tell you, I was seriously sweating the Dope trailers.

Let’s take the teaser trailer first. I think I watched it like a million times. No, two million times! Honest! I fell hard and fast for it, the way you fall for a Taylor Swift video, or an ice cream sundae on a super—hot day. Super creative, imaginative, non-traditional – it takes the teaser game and spins it on its head. You’re not entirely sure of the plot, but you want to get to know the characters, want to inhabit the world the film is all about. It’s like a music video, but not. Because who watches those anymore? (I still do). It’s like a music video made for Millennials – mashing animation and pop culture references and jams all up into one teaser trailer baby.

And the actual movie trailer builds on that which the teaser wrought – with the addition of some key plot points and dialogue, you can (omg, finally) get a sense of the story and its players.

Dope is set in present-day Inglewood, California. Our protagonist, Malcolm, is a super smart kids trying to finish out his senior year of high school. He wants what a lot of high school dudes want – to graduate, go to college, and hook up with hot girls. But while many high school dudes fly under the safety and security of their privilege, Malcolm has to navigate the tricky waters of a tough neighborhood where joining gangs and dealing drugs can sometimes be the best, if not only, options for surviving and making ends meet. And did I mention that Malcolm is a geek? He and his friends Jib and Diggy (Tony Revolori, dude from Grand Budapest, and Kiersey Clemons, one to watch) worship at the altar of 90s hip hop, convinced that it was a golden age, despite some pretty funny arguments to the contrary. In his quest to land the perfect girl (Zoe Kravitz, sigh, I guess), Malcolm accidentally becomes embroiled in a drug dealing brouhaha that puts him and his trusted mates in harm’s way. It’s like Goonies, Millennial-style. And that’s a good thing. There’s gang baddies, a crazy tripped out hottie played by real-life hottie slash actress (Chanel Iman), regular high school bullies, a rich kid wannabe thug producer, a white stoner/hacker hybrid, and a Harvard alumni interviewer so despicable, he forces Malcolm to do some very bad, very funny things with bitcoins in order to settle the score.

If it sounds like there’s a lot going on in Dope, that’s because there is. Some of the storylines
are satisfyingly wrapped up with little red bows, like the Harvard admissions essay that
Malcolm reworks at the end of the film, calling out the university on inherent racial biases in
Ivy League admissions. Others kind of fall flat or are left alone. Womp womp. On the
disappointing side, some of director Rick Famuyiwa’s depictions of women felt a bit archaic
and unnecessary. Chanel Iman’s character gets naked, does drugs, gets even nakeder,
crashes a car, and urinates in public while being filmed on a cell phone by horny bystanders.
The sexuality of Malcolm’s female friend Diggy is immediately referenced and discussed as an
important story point, even though it really isn’t.

But you know what? There’s so much to like about Dope. Remember when I said the movie
poster looked fun? That’s because the movie is, indeed, fun! And Rick Fox has a cameo! And
A$AP Rocky is in this! And Kimberly Elise! And Tyga! So if the one-sheet and the trailers
haven’t convinced you yet, let me help you. Duh, you want to go see this.

Read more from Jaime at whatjaimewatched.com 


History of the Movies - 1898: "Santa Claus"


HISTORY OF THE MOVIES: Santa Claus
1898 by George Albert Smith

Your boy Georgie again!

A typically creepy depiction of the Elf King Santa Claus, Smith was a pretty inventive old chap and basically upped his game every time he got behind the camera. I don't even know how Cinema really even got very far between what he was doing and the sheer insanity of what Melies was up to at the same time. 


For such a weird new fad, you'd expect other filmmakers would look at their work and just quit, knowing they were being just straight up outclassed in every respect by a few geniuses from out of fucking nowhere.


But they didn't. Directors continued on the righteous path and improved their art and in 2015 Cinema is still alive and able to offer us TED 2.

History of the Movies - 1897: "The X-Rays"



HISTORY OF THE MOVIES: The X-Rays
1897 by George Albert Smith


British nerds on a date get hit by an x-ray machine (?) that looks like a tv camera. They turn into skeletons. 


GOOD SHIT.

I love that the lady's parasol also gets hit by the x-ray machine. Nice touch, George!

History of the Movies - 1896: "The Haunted Castle"


HISTORY OF THE MOVIES: The Haunted Castle
1896 by Georges Melies

Your boy GM burst onto the scene a year earlier with his first film, a remake of a Lumiere jawn about a bunch of old nerds playing cards. So stop complaining about all these remakes. It's nothing new.


Pretty soon Melies figured out how to translate what he was already doing on stage into cinema and quickly established his style of wild sets and wacky special effects. 


The Haunted Castle is a three-minute hellride about a dude being chased around a hallway by a bunch of ghosts and demons that a sorcerer is fucking brewing in a big pot (I think?).

Eventually they win and dude jumps out the freakin window. 


It's got giant flying bats turning into vampires, people turning into skeletons, witches appearing and disappearing, and ghosts ALL OVER THE PLACE.


This guy made over 500 movies in his lifetime and is so influential that Scorsese (your favorite) just made a movie about him all the way up here in the 21st century. 


Melies was The Master.

History of the Movies - 1895: "Workers Leaving the Lumiere Factory"



HISTORY OF THE MOVIES: Workers Leaving the Lumiere Factory
1895 by Louis Lumiere 

1895 was the year the Lumieres had their first public screenings of their short films. This is basically the Beginning of the Movies.


Alright, so the Lumiere brothers….. These dudes were viewed as a couple of evil geniuses in their day. With the invention of the Cinematographe and the innovation of perforating their film to run more smoothly through the machine (a combination camera/projector), they revolutionized cinema as we know it. But they weren’t interested in sharing their inventions with other filmmakers of the time, so people also viewed them as a couple of brilliant assholes. 


They also thought cinema was a passing fad and didn’t want to contribute to the perpetuation of something as trivial as their incredible invention that we still use today.


The first film they shot was of workers leaving their factory at the end of the day and runs 46 seconds. 


It is as boring as it sounds. 


It is boring as hell.

 
And the fact that these two dopes wouldn’t let Georges Méliès near their precious machines only inspired him to get even more inventive than he already was. So if they contributed nothing else to film history (but, c'mon, they did) other than pushing that guy into the realms of psychotic genius that he eventually reached with his films, they’ve done their job and earned their place.

History of the Movies - The 1880s: Eastman and Hijinks


HISTORY OF THE MOVIES: Eastman and Hijinks
The 1880s in America


The 1880s were a time when every joker thought he was gonna be the first to do everything, and the ones with enough money could just pummel their competitors into oblivion. 


Between paper rolls, magic lanterns, and early sound experiments (they sound really cool), all kinds of fools were trying to be the KING OF CINEMA.


So Eastman comes along and just straight up patents everything in sight (also known as The Ol' Thomas Edison Trick).


After creating the Eastman Kodak camera and essentially inventing modern photographic technology, he put his money into colleges, dentistry, and some pretty evil eugenics programs. 


He eventually shot himself in the heart (also know as The Ol' Elliot Smith Knock-off Trick.)


While all this Eastman bullshit was going on, Edison was secretly working on the kinetoscope, the zoetrope was being prepared for public exhibition, and the Lumiere brothers were lurking in the background, about to just absolutely crush everyone else in their path by inventing the cinematographe.


The 1890s were gonna change everything and Cinema was about to officially be born.