by Jaime Davis
If you’ve seen the original Magic Mike, you know it’s not just
“that male stripper movie.” Yeah there’s hilarious dance sequences and Matthew
McConaughey in chaps and crazed, screaming women and penis pumps and bad acting
from actresses who shall remain nameless. But the film, directed in all
seriousness by Steven Soderbergh, takes a long, dark look at the world of male
entertainers, complete with drugs, backstabbing, violence, and avarice.
So it was a bit of a surprise to me how Magic Mike XXL swapped
its depressing worldview for a rosier one. The gang is all back, sans the
Pettyfer (yay) and the McConaughey (boo), traveling in an artisanal frozen
yogurt food truck from Tampa to Myrtle Beach for some kind of stripper
convention (which I assume is a real thing). THIS IS A ROAD MOVIE, YOU GUYS.
Which means bring on the fun and the hilarity and the gags and the snags. And
there are a bunch of those in Magic Mike
XXL.
Joe Manganiello does a strip tease in a convenience store, but I
don’t want to get into it. (Your eyes need to see that for themselves.) Jada
Pinkett Smith pretty much owns the whole dang movie but I don’t feel like
talking about that either. Tarzan’s backstory is completely surprising, Donald
Glover failed to convince me that he could be a male entertainer, and Michael
Strahan gave someone a lap dance. But, really, these things are not what I want
to rehash. Because what I really want to talk to you about are cookies.
Fig. 1: chocolate chip cookies
Cookies are a deliciously sweet baked concoction typically
combining a number of ingredients including butter, flour, sugar, salt, and
baking soda or baking powder. If you have never had a cookie before, I strongly
recommend that you try one! For me personally, cookies are one of my top three
favorite foods (in order of preference: ice cream, then pizza, then cookies).
Cookies are also my favorite item to bake. Chocolate chip mostly, but I’ll make
and eat them all: chocolate chip with nuts, chocolate chip with coconut, sugar
cookies, peanut butter cookies, peanut butter chocolate chip cookies, brown
butter cookies, toffee chocolate cookies, shortbread cookies, double chocolate
chip cookies, lemon cookies, sandwich cookies, I JUST LIKE COOKIES. YOU SHOULD
REALLY LOOK INTO HAVING SOME COOKIES.
So imagine, just IMAGINE, my complete delight when, about halfway
through the comedy of the year, Channing Tatum turns down a bite of red velvet
cake from his love interest and proudly declares that he’s “a cookie guy.”
Channing Tatum is a cookie guy.
Channingggggg Tatummm is a cookieeeee guyyyyyyy.
HE’S A COOKIE GUY ASDFGHJKL.
Upon hearing this I turned into a puddle under my seat and
promptly evaporated, dead forever.
Nah, not really. But I did get super duper excited. And then Tatum
went on to talk about Oreos for maybe 20 seconds or so and guess what. I
LOVE OREOS TOO. If you’ve never had Oreos, like what are you waiting for? He
also dances to a song called Cookie at the end of the movie that may or may not
reference said love for cookies. Le sighs all around, am I right, folks?
Oh, yeah. A bunch of other things happen in this movie. I can’t
really remember what exactly, but there are these guys and they dance with some
women who throw dollar bills around and stuff. And Elizabeth Banks pops up for
like a second and almost makes out with Jada Pinkett Smith. I said
‘almost.’ Dammit.
Moral of the story: is this what they talk about when they say
people are “meant to be?” Is this what true love is all about? Surely no one
else can love cookies as much as Channing Tatum and I do. While I ponder, feel
free to watch Magic Mike XXL for all
the lolz and the COOKIES.
Read more from Jaime at whatjaimewatched.com
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