Oscars in ROBE.

by:  Rosalie Kicks
       Old Sport at Moviejawn


I think I have finally found a way to survive the Oscars...by watching it in ROBE with copious amounts of whiskey.

With my completed ballot sheet, a taco buffet within reach, and whiskey cocktail in hand- I was ready to enjoy the Oscars in comfort.  The question shouldn't be who wore it best... the real inquiry is were you able to stay awake? Not falling asleep during the Oscars is truly a feat of strength. The person that can stay awake thru the entire event definitely deserves a shiny lapel pin.  Viewing OSCARS in ROBE was the perfect solution to the madness. I was not only cozy, but was prepared to catch some winks at any moment. During any of the slow/meaningless dribble I was able to catch a quick snooze (example: Spectre song or when that homeless looking dude (Dave Grohl) was performing).

So, let's talk about the red carpet- it was longgggggg. The announcers were buffoons. It is pretty safe to say that one of the requirements for the job is that you don't watch movies. From not knowing the Oscar nominated writer of Brooklyn (Nick Hornby)- to trying to compare the Girl with The Dragon Tattoo to Carol as if they were a similar production... it was a complete shit show. You could just sense the feeling of dread each time one of the interviewers walked up to an interviewee.  They stood there wishing for teleportation to magically be invented or maybe finding a drink in their pocket.  ABC would have been better off having Jacob Tremblay host the event. He seemed more prepared to interview the stars of Hollywood and was definitely more entertaining. 

It is amazing that a show celebrating people that make creative things for a living can be so terribly boring and mind-numbing. Is the show really produced by little interns?!  If that's the case it would make complete sense as to why the production seems to be so mediocre.  This would also explain why there were camera and sound issues at the most inopportune times.  Maybe those little interns thought it was funny to have a camera malfunction right when you the Oscar for BEST Cinematography was being announced or how about when the sound cut out just as you were giving the Oscar for Best Sound Mixing.  Oh, you little interns- you're such pranksters.  However, as one of my favorite podcast hosts, Karina Longworth has said, "the Oscars are only as cool as the oldest white guy in the room."  Makes perfect sense to me.

No matter what you think about the Oscars, I think the message is clear that unless people continue to talk about the issues that have been facing Hollywood, diversity issues will never be resolved. Here's hoping next year we see an improvement and less Speilberg.  Because seriously, did anyone like Bridge of Spies?  I think there were many other deserving movies that could have taken those nomination spots.   Movies and change can't be done alone- you need to work together to enact change.  However, after hearing some of the speeches from the various production winners- proclaiming they do all the "important" work on the film, it kinda makes me wonder if change will ever happen... it is called COLLABORATION, you jerks.  High time Hollywood stop trying to teach me a lesson, I think it is time for them to learn a lesson of their own:  be nice. Can't we all just get along?  Come on Hollywood, have an open mind.

After 6 hours, here are the High Points that Kicks can remember before too many Whiskey cocktails in ROBE: 
-Chris Rock: acknowledging the elephant in the room right from the start.  He couldn't have said it better- everybody just wants the same opportunities and chances.  Leo gets a good part every year, people of color want this same opportunity.  Also.  Hollywood has been racist for a long time folks, this is NOT new.  Let's do something about it. 

-Chris Rock's interviews with the theater goers of Compton: Seriously, where are you getting these movies from? Bridge of Spies: never heard of it?  Maybe this will shed some light on the fact that you need to make movies that reach a diverse audience and not just suburban liberal white people.  It is sad to me that Hollywood would be shocked that not only do white people see movies, but people of color do too and they want to see movies that they can relate to. 

-Alicia Vikander, winning for Danish Girl- even though she should have been in nominated as the LEAD ROLE. She drove that film.   

-Costume Designer Jenny Beavan's win.  She is one BAMF (also a highlight: learning what BAMF means.  Thanks Jaime!)


-Brie Larson, winning for Room and slapping fives with Jacob Tremblay. That girl is going places.  Also, I was a fan of her dress despite what my colleague thinks.  

-Pudgy cheeks Leo: Aw, poor dude was stress eating. He looked so nervous the whole night and I just wanted to hug him.  I bet he ate so many of those Girl Scout cookies.  Miraculously, his name is called and what do you know! Water weight is magically gone and he managed to dust off all those cookie crumbs just in time to grip his golden statue.  He is now the King of the World! I couldn't help but shed a tear...especially when he brought up climate change.  Oh, Leo we heart you, you truly are the way of the future.

-Vampire Cate Blanchett's dress.  That woman does NOT age.  She looked like a dream. 

-Tom Hardy breathing in and out.  I heart Mumbles Mcgee.  He may not have won this year, but he will be back.  I just hope he does not turn into the next Johnny Depp.  Instead of being known for a pirate he will just simply be known as Hoagie Mouth.  

-Saoirse Ronan's mermaid dress.  I can't wait to see what this girl does in the FUTURE.  If you have not watched Brooklyn yet, you are missing out.  

-To see Jennifer Lawrence not win.  Joy was a horrible a movie. 

So what were your thoughts?  Andddd most importantly, who's going to see Eddie and the Eagle?  After watching this rodeo I'm ready for a feel good, tug at your hearts kind of feeling.  Until next year Oscars. 

If Jaime Ruled the Oscars (2016 Edition)

IF JAIME RULED THE OSCARS (2016 EDITION)
by Jaime Davis
(originally posted on whatjaimewatched.com)

Guys, guys. It’s Oscars time. And Indie Spirits time. This weekend is typically like my second Christmas, my happy happy, my special Jaime Mardi Gras. But this year I’m just not feeling it. It’s not that I don’t like any of the nominees. I do. I like the nominees a lot. But there are a lot of people not nominated who I think should’ve been. Or at the very least, could’ve been. And we’ve all heard the endless #Oscarssowhite talk. We’ve seen the tag, we’ve heard from Will and Jada, Spike and Clooney and Jamie Foxx. Even goddamn Charlotte Rampling had to go off and say something. Something extremely, ridiculously dumb. I’m not going to use this (very small platform) to give my overall opinion on #Oscarssowhite. Because it doesn’t fucking matter. And, more importantly, the Academy Awards are only a small problem at the tail end of a much larger issue.

What I think DOES matter is that studios continually operate in a perpetual fog of whiteness. Up until Bridesmaids, standard exec-thought was that women didn’t go to movies, or have evolved senses of humor, or have interesting stories to share. Those same execs may think producing or acquiring black and brown stories equates to taking a risk, or reaping limited financial reward. They might say it amounts to nothing but counterprogramming. For niche markets. That’s absolute bullshit and we all know it. Look at Creed. Look at Straight Outta Compton. Highly anticipated The Birth of a Nation was bought by Fox for $17.5M at Sundance this year. Those same execs will shuffle their feet, wring their hands, and show you all the numbers for their hulking, white, male-dominated superhero franchises - they might say something like ‘Hey man, China and Korea and South America and the UK, they want that white ish. They gravitate towards it. They pay to see it.” Ok. That’s great. And what I would say to these execs: let’s keep it moving. Let’s make room for everyone. What did they used to say on Wall Street? Oh yeah. DIVERSIFY. Let’s diversify the shit out of Hollywood. Let’s get Ryan Coogler and Ava DuVernay to direct more things. Let’s get Michael B. Jordan and Dev Patel and Gugu Mbatha-Raw and Lupita Nyong’o and David Oyelowo and Michael Peña and Priyanka Chopra and Anthony Mackie and Constance Wu and other actors of color to star in more things, and not purely as ethnic characters or comic sidekicks. Let’s produce and acquire stuff from all over the world. And let’s source talent from places we’d least expect. Let’s not wait to find it. Let’s go out and get it. BE PROACTIVE, DANGIT.

Let’s also follow April Reign’s suggestion and use the Bechdel Test to create the DuVernay Test. Evaluate films to check if minority characters “have fully realized lives rather than serve as scenery in white stories.” Yes. We need to do this. Guys, please. Let’s really, really do this.

So yes, this is a huge motherfucking problem that the Academy surely can’t solve alone. But they’re not without blame. There’s inherent bias within the industry and voting body. Academy voters skew older, and whiter. On the plus side, things are changing. The Academy chose Chris Rock to host this year. It’s increasing diversity within its board and working to diversify the general voting community. Cool, cool, and cool. But my fear is that as the Academy continues to address these issues, they may unintentionally reward affirmative action-style, which could create backlash. I see minority actors being simultaneously praised and derided for any Oscars achievements. And that’s not right either. (Side note: I’m not making any particular statements about affirmative action, so don’t even go there.)

So, If I Ruled the Oscars what would I do? Hard to say. There’s just SO MUCH. For starters, I would have invited Anohni, nominee for Best Original song, to perform. Why didn’t they? Is it because she’s transgender? Not a household name? WHAT? I’m completely appalled that they’ve got The Weeknd (singing a song from Fifty Shades of Grey, christ), then Lady Gaga (ok, no compaints), and Sam Smith (was he really nominated? For the dumb Spectre song? Really?) but no Anohni or David Lang (whose Simple Song #3 in Youth was also recognized). I’m just so, so, ugh…I can’t even with you right now. YOU EFFING HOLLYWOOD CLOWNS.

Second, I’d pull a Mean Girls and be all “so…why’s everyone stressing over this thing anyway? It’s just plastic. So…share it.”

Yes, I would just get rid of awards this year and throw a big old party and have everyone get dressed up, looking pretty. I’d serve everyone pizza, and not the fancy thin crust kind, the cheapie Little Caesars pizza pizza kind. (You know JLaw’d be into it). I’d show clips of my favorite movie scenes and performances from 2015. I’d make a toast to Tilda Swinton (and then propose marriage, as you do). I’d bring Idris Elba onstage and ask him to audition, right then and there, to be the next James Bond. I’d have Anohni perform every single nominated song from 2015, and then Justin Bieber’s ‘Sorry’ and maayybbeee Bieber’s “What Do You Mean?” because sure, why not. (SURE, WHY NOT?!) And then I’d make Chris Rock come up and recite Cady’s aforementioned speech from Mean Girls, because really. Moving forward, let’s share it.

The Witch

THE VVITCH
Directed by Robert Eggers (2016)

Right from the start, THE WITCH tells you where it's going. It's one of these stories that opens with a scene that could go anywhere, but only lead to one possible ending, as young Thomasin and her family decide to leave their early-17th century plantation (and more crucially, the Puritan church) and set out on their own to make their way in the wilderness.

Well, that's not quite true. Her father decides this. And the rest of the family is dragged along with him. He leaves because he's stubborn, and riddled with guilt. We don't get any indication of what he's done (or thinks he's done) to turn him into such a self-loathing (and self-righteous) mopey bastard, other than he's just a super-hardcore Puritan who makes confession to god a thousand times a day. We certainly see evidence of this. And catch glimpses that he's perhaps closer to the man he thinks he is than the man he claims to be.

All these moments are captured in almost John Alcott-levels of bright, soft, dreary photography by Jarin Blaschke, whose IMDb pic could not look more like a picture of the guy who shot The Witch. Natural light, dark corners, bright windows, and flickering candlelight are all we get to set the scene and introduce us to a time when superstition and religious folklore were just as real (and as powerful) as the harsh reality you could see in front of you. The way this movie shows us the reality and extreme (seeming) unreality of these times without ever breaking stride or tipping its hand as to how much of this we're supposed to take as "real" is remarkable, and is the only way to lead us to the ending we finally arrive at.

The biggest cinematic influences on this film besides the easy Kubrick/Lyndon comparison (which I only use to illustrate how good the movie looks) are actually pretty recent. There Will Be Blood and The Master are all over this movie, from the opening rising strings that feel like they'll never let up and crawl into your bloodstream, to the long quiet takes of a man working alone at the only trade he knows (if any), to an ending that only comes out of left field if you haven't been paying attention. The greatest trick this movie pulls is that there is no trick at all. What we are seeing is what is happening. PT Anderson absolutely would've directed this movie if he'd just thought of it first. It feels like the next step in his current progression as an artist. Or, really, it would've been if Inherent Vice hadn't derailed him (and me). The arc of his early films into Magnolia/Punch Drunk Love would match The Witch as the ultimate payoff of There Will Be Blood into The Master. And I don't think Eggers is hiding this, really. He's showing us his influence the way other greats of the past have done. And he's showing us because he's saying "Look what I can do with this." Jon Glazer's most recent film, Under the Skin, is another strong visual influence. Not even gonna go near what else might be connecting the two.

But back to the farm-- The father, Will, is a sad little man trying to hold his sad little world together. When his crops die before the harvest is ready, he blames himself. When his infant son disappears (stolen by a wolf, the family tells themselves, though the kids all seem to know better), he blames himself so his wife will stop blaming their daughter. When their other young son goes missing overnight, he again shields Thomasin from his mother's wrath. But it's what happens in the aftermath of the son's disappearance that turns the entire story into a horror movie.

I used to defend David Lynch against Ebert's assertion that Blue Velvet is destructive to "women" because of the way it treats Dorothy (named for another character who met some witches). Lynch says No, the movie isn't about WOMEN, it's about DOROTHY, and her very specific experiences. But where that movie fails his defense is in the characters constantly asking themselves "What does it all mean?" They put the broader context into their own story. In The Witch, a movie that dares us to apply our own modern political or feminist context or agenda to it, we get a story that is always specific. These characters are experiencing these events, and the ending supports this and is hugely satisfying (and beautiful, and terrifying). What we get is an entire family that really feels like a family, like real people. They all want different things, all have their own feelings, all relate to each other as if they've been together for years. Will's guilt and embarrassment at all the ways he feels he's failed himself, his god, and his family, Katherine's loving exhaustion at constantly having to pick up the pieces every time Will makes another mistake, Thomasin's playfulness (and exasperation) while caring for her siblings, Caleb's stubborn frustration at not being treated like a man, like a more adult member of the family, the twins' confusion, which later reveals itself to be something else entirely that we may have missed while we were busy laughing at how goofy these two are... these are real feelings being expressed onscreen, and we can feel it with these characters every time we see them. They're all being dragged along by their father who unwittingly leads them into the darkness. Or maybe not unwittingly, to use the reality of the film itself. 

Ultimately, the film works because it's always true to itself and has the cinematic guts to go all the way. Right now it's my favorite new release I've seen since Birdman or Youth. For all the talk recently about how Hail! Caesar is the spiritual sequel to A Serious Man, I'd argue that The Witch is actually closer to the heart of what that film was going for. In fact, even for how out of place it would've been, and for how jarring the experience in the theater would've become, I can totally hear "Somebody To Love" blasting onto the soundtrack after that final shot cuts to black. 

And because the final shot of The Witch puts us into the final shot of A Serious Man. We witness an event happening in the distance. Something powerful, dangerous, and beyond our understanding, and all we can do is sit here and watch.

Happy Birthday, Victor Fleming!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, VICTOR FLEMING!

"Obstacles make a better picture."

Fleming would've turned 127 today! Having directed two of the most-seen and well-loved films of the 20th century, The WIZARD OF OZ and GONE WITH THE WIND, he later made the great movies A GUY NAMED JOE, written by Dalton Trumbo and starring Spencer Tracy (and later remade by S****n S****berg as the unwatchable ALWAYS) and JOAN OF ARC with Ingrid Bergman (a movie people love to shit all over but, honestly, watch it. It's great!).

Happy Birthday, Jonathan Demme!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JONATHAN DEMME!

"I like finding a great shot and then just staying with it for a long time, not trying to pump things up with some kind of artificial energy by cutting." - Jonathan Demme

Demme turns 72 today! Celebrate by watching The SILENCE OF THE LAMBS, The MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE, STOP MAKING SENSE, SOMETHING WILD and MARRIED TO THE MOB.

The Jonathan Demme Close-Up from Jacob T. Swinney on Vimeo.

Happy Birthday, Luis Bunuel!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LUIS BUNUEL!

"If you were to ask me if I'd ever had the bad luck to miss my daily cocktail, I'd have to say that I doubt it; where certain things are concerned, I plan ahead." - Luis Bunuel

Bunuel would've turned 116 today. Here's what he was up to at age 29:

Rated M for Meesh or No? - A Perfect World (1993)

RATED M FOR MEESH OR NO? – A PERFECT WORLD (1993) 
By Michelle Lupia 

I gotta admit - this was a favorite movie of mine back in 1993, so when given the assignment I kinda already knew the answer.  But it is true that certain movies that I once loved now make me feel all the feels that I never want to feel. So I tried to watch the movie with fresh new eyes. 

And in so doing I have come to the conclusion that yes this movie is Rated M for Meesh. It does make you feel the feels but it is not overly dramatic, the violence for the most part happens off screen, it is not very graphic, and it’s not really a drama... it is more of a road trip movie with an unlikely pair, with a lot of funny, very quirky bits.  I really love the tone of the movie and the direction by Clint Eastwood. 

I remember back in the day everyone that saw this flick was saying how Butch (played by Kevin Costner) was a makeshift father figure to this eight year old fatherless hostage Phillip, and I bought into that too, because why not. But on deeper reflection it’s not a father-son relationship being forged here.  It is a very special relationship between friends, a friendship built on deep introspection, kindness, caring and guidance...

Full article available in the print version of Movie Jawn. Subscribe here!

Why Didn't They Make Spacesuits? Some Pre-Kindergarten Thoughts During and After a Viewing of Georges Méliès 1902 A Trip to the Moon

WHY DIDN’T THEY MAKE SPACESUITS? Some Pre-Kindergarten Thoughts During and After a Viewing of Georges Méliès 1902 A Trip to the Moon
By Susan Liedke 

"I can see that they're making a rocketship. A real, real rocketship." 

"Oh my gosh, that looks SO scary." 

"I think I was scared that the master got left behind on the moon." 

"I would tell other kids to watch it, but only for 4 and older. It might scare a 3 year old. The alien parts were scary, and the part where the moon changes his face." 

"My favorite part was when they were smashing the aliens because I don't like when spooky stuff is around."

Valentine for Crispin

VALENTINE FOR CRISPIN 
By Rosalie Kicks! 

My Dearest Crispin:     

My density has bought me to write this love letter.   

The reasons are pretty obvious: your dancing moves*, your laugh*, your hair*, and your fondness of animals*.  Oh HEY! remember that time when that director decided to create a SKIN MASK of your face and place it on another individual?  So few of us can speak of an obsession that ran so deep.  I'm sure this doesn't surprise you: We all desire to be YOU.  People will travel to great lengths, but there can only be one Crispin Hellion Glover.  Robert may have fooled the others, but he didn’t fool me.  I know those piercing blue eyes anywhere.  Now everyone is left believing you starred in a Trilogy and the other dude he takes credit for being YOU!  Honestly, can you blame him?  You’re a dreamboat. 

Oh and let’s not forget you make MOVIES!  You use actual FILM! (swoon) for you prefer not to* use that digital trash.  And just like the great Lumiere brothers you travel the countryside with your film prints under your arm, sharing your non-commercialized art with us.  Your ideas may seem taboo to old lady Hollywood… eh, F em’, those old birds don’t even deserve to hear you speak*.  They can try to stop you, but just remember if you put your mind to it you can accomplish anything.    

I lie awake at night hoping that one day I’ll have the privilege of attending one of your screenings and breathing the same air you do.  The world needs more Crispin Hellion Glover and less propaganda, so stop slacking.  

xo. 
Rosalie Kicks 

*Dancing Moves:  Friday the 13th Part 3 
*Laugh:  Back to the Future, old George 
*Hair:  River’s Edge 
*Fondness of Animals:  Willard 
*Preferring Not To:  Bartleby 
*Not saying a word:  Charlie’s Angels 

My Valentine is Tilda Swinton

MY VALENTINE IS TILDA SWINTON 
By Jaime Davis 

My Valentine is Tilda Swinton. This year and every damn year. I’m just in love with her, you guys. In awe, in fact. I can’t remember when it started exactly. It came on slowly; slowly and then all of a sudden I couldn’t stop thinking about what she was doing or imagining what my name would look like written out as Jaime Davis-Swinton. 

The first thing I noticed about her is, obviously, her face. Her perfectly clear, bright, open features that, when combined, look like no one else on this planet. And then you have her fierceness. She seems like the type of person to go to bat for whatever she believes in, big or small, with absolutely no bullshit filter. That’s what I see in her when I watch We Need to Talk About Kevin, Only Lovers Left Alive, and Orlando. 

But at the same time she can be maternal and softer, like in The Deep End and Thumbsucker – she’s not always the type-A monsters she plays in Burn After Reading and Michael Clayton (one of my all-time favorite films). 

She can be ethereal and almost God-like, as evidenced in Constantine and The Beach. 

But it’s her spirited sense of humor and obvious self-deprecating wit that I enjoy the most. Just watch her at play in Moonrise Kingdom, The Grand Budapest Hotel, Snowpiercer, Trainwreck, and Hail, Caesar! 

This is a woman who knows herself, is comfortable in her own skin, who takes risks and does not give one goddamn fuck what you think. I haven’t seen all of her films but I sure as hell will. And while sadly I won’t end up the future Mrs. Jaime Davis-Swinton, I will always love her. 

TILDA FOREVER. ♥♥♥

Cinema Can't Save Us

CINEMA CAN'T SAVE US 

By Matthew Waldron 

What exactly was Joe Stalin so afraid of? 

Besides imperialists. And reactionaries. And Trostky. Empathy. And his own shadow. What was it that made Uncle Joe so terrified...of a guy (or gal) with a camera? Did he feel his "revolution" (more so a vicious "coup", but that's another story for another context) was on such shaky ground? Had he not murdered enough of the Bolshevik Old Guard to consolidate his power? Had he not had Molotov play footsies with von Ribbontrop, "securing" (ha...) peace on the Eastern Frontier? Did everyone not fear him enough? 

Most importantly - were the Russian people - his people - so childishly / helplessly susceptible to cinema's alleged-powers-of-persuasion they had to be sequestered, like X-ray techs behind a lead wall, from its wicked, brainwashing properties? Is cinema really THAT powerful? 

Despite the massive amounts of empty space and cotton balls making up the majority of the interior of his skull, Dubya, for all his endless faults, has to at least be given this much- he clearly (somehow) knew better. It's hard to imagine a single film produced across the entire Soviet bloc that would've carried as much popular dissent within its frames as Fahrenheit 9/11. For all that vacant space there still remained, miraculously, enough sense between Dubya's ears to disregard the paranoid notion that a single film would, or could, "bring down the Republic." And he was right- Michael Moore had his say, made millions, won an Oscar, and yet our flag was still there. In less than a year Dubya was re-elected. 

Tragically Jafar Panahi was born Iranian. Though, to his credit, he would characterize it such. Still, Iran's "Ministry of Culture and Islamic Guidance" has banned every one of his films. His government wants him to leave the country. In a display of character clearly beyond the reach of his oppressors, he refuses. 

His fellow countrymen (the short-sighted ones in charge, at least - the rest of the country seems to really dig his work) (but really, what do "the people" know...?) believe Panahi's films, mostly irreverent, neo-realistic depictions of not-always-perfect Persian domesticity, are such a threat to their continuing "revolution" (there's that word again...) in 2010 they were compelled to arrest him, his wife, his daughter, and 15 associates.

Because he makes movies...

Full article available in the print version of Movie Jawn. Subscribe here!

5 Movies to Watch or Avoid for a Weekend with Your Newly Divorced Dad

5 MOVIES TO WATCH OR AVOID FOR A WEEKEND WITH YOUR NEWLY DIVORCED DAD 
By Ashleigh Ide 

When I was 10 my mom was like “So, I’m all done with this family.” And my sister and dad and I were confused but said “Well Jeeze. Ok Mom, whatever the hell you want.”  And the three of us went on to spend a lot more time together. We’d play catch outside, eat microwaveable food, and WATCH all sorts of MOVIES. 

Here are some movies we rented over and over again on the weekends that worked out well for us: 

Real Genius 
Cool dudes were my idols at this time and Val Kilmer as Chris Knight sat atop Dude Mountain crowned with wheaty and irreverent hair, donned in tight t-shirts stretched across pre-Iceman pecks, flaunting a cynical humor I, an eleven-year old girl, tried to emulate which made Dad laugh but my friends walk away saying, “what is UP with you?” It had a great soundtrack, goofballs on the spectrum, not too much sex to embarrass me OR my dad, a dreamy asshole villain, and shit-talkin’ BRAINS. 

The State on MTV 
I taped every episode of that goddamn show and though obviously not a movie, Dad watched hours of these tapes with me taking a particular liking to Doug and Louie. You can just see it, can’t you? “I’m outta heeeeeereeeee” and “I wanna dip my balls in it” are easy bons mots for dads who love Caddy Shack to ‘get’. Then my sister had the audacity to tape over a few episodes with the Kerri Strug brouhaha of the 1996 Atlanta Olympics and things were never the same around the house ever again. 

Groundhog Day
Ghostbusters was huge in the house pre-divorce and it wasn’t that we decided to stop watching it at Dad’s bachelor pad, but as Bill Murray movies go, this was more apropo of our new sitch: endless winter, loveless relationships, Pennsylvania. No, I’m kidding, we weren’t that depressed? 

Here are a couple movies we watched a lot but really shouldn’t have: 

Bye Bye Love 
AKA, The Divorced Life With Dads. The fuck were we thinking??? Also flat-out terrible but I don’t think anyone wanted to say anything. 

Liar Liar 
This is a delightful movie with a surprisingly nefarious ending. The good-looking parents get back together? Replace The Claw with The Fat Fucking Middle-Finger. Though not nearly, no, not in a trillion years as bad as The Story Of Us.

Just Jeff

JUST JEFF

Reviews of Jeff Goldblum’s Performances in Films

by Susan Panaway

Love is in the air…and so is an orange blimp spaceship with fuzzy space men riding inside. Sound bizarre? Well, welcome to Earth Girls Are Easy. Valerie (Geena Davis) is a totally tubular manicurist preparing for her wedding with Ted (Charlie Rocket) aka Dr. Love.  Turns out that Ted is prescribing his love to many patients. Down on her luck, Valerie decides to do what most scorned women living in L.A. would do...get a tan. As she lounges about in a string bikini, a vibrant spaceship (very similar to Nickelodeon Kid’s Choice award) crash-lands into her pool. Wiploc (Jim Carrey), Zeebo (Damon Wayans) and Mac (Jeff Goldblum) are located inside.

When Mac first appears on screen, he’s covered in blue fur and hibernating in a tube. Typical Goldblum behavior. The three aliens are then shaved and dressed in trendy California threads. Valerie is stunned by Mac’s physique. Mac has his shirt unbuttoned or is shirtless for a good portion of the film.  While Wiploc and Zeebo search Sunset Strip for “babes,” Mac focuses on one woman. Me. Uh…I mean Valerie. Mac expresses his passion by saying “I could make Valerie happy”.  Swoon.  Mac’s smooth voice and honey-like charm win Valerie over.  Cut to the bizarre love scene. Valerie and Mac kiss on the mouth a few times then stare longingly into each other’s eyes.  Valerie has a horrific nightmare following the sexual encounter.  By horrific, I mean terrific. It’s probably my favorite scene from the movie. Please stop reading this and look it up now. I’ll wait……Okay great.  When Mac later asks the question, “Am I Mr. Right?”, Valerie responds with several yeses. Yes Mr. Goldblum. The answer is always yes.

If you are looking for a piece of cinematic mastery, this definitely isn’t it. However, if you like gratuitous bikini shots, a black and white science fiction nightmare, and a shirtless Jeff Goldblum*, give it some screen time.

*If you’re not into shirtless Jeff Goldblum, “JUST JEFF” is probably not for you.

Frightened & Without Hope II

FRIGHTENED & WITHOUT HOPE II

by Neil Cleary-Trask

I have been wanting to follow up the original Frightened... mix for some time now, and am excited to be doing it exclusively for Moviejawn. This sequel extends the themes of the first one but, hopefully, branches out, too. A lot of this music has not, to my knowledge, been used on a soundtrack before. But many of these songs were evocative of the feelings I look for in Horror, or specifically sounded like they'd be a great cue. 

The opening track, "Wheel Of Dreams" is so perfect, I can't help but imagine some seemingly happy family from a Thomas Tryon adaptation; clad in earth tones, suede and corduroy, driving to, or moving into, their first single family home on a pastoral plot nestled in some forgotten town. Unaware of what we giddily await: all the horrors to come.

Then there's "Casablanca", the instrumental of which calls to mind the queasy opening credits of the stickiest, bleakest exploitation 1970s New York City could hemorrhage out.

One, final taste: "White Cyclosa" is a dead ringer for John Harrison's tense and melancholic themes for Day Of The Dead, perfected by the benefits of hindsight and patience that Boards Of Canada are known for Exploiting.

Download Frightened & Without Hope II (including printable artwork) here.

Featuring: Shadowfax, Swans, Yoga, Deaf Center, Burning Star Core, Re:, Giorgio Moroder, Wolf Eyes, Haus Arafna, Gina X Performance, Corviria, Demons, Hans Edler, Awake, Harold Budd & Brian Eno, Alberich, The Fucking Champs, Alessandro Blonksteiner, Thomas Bangalter, Cicciolina Holocaust, Tangerine Dream, Depeche Mode, Jonathan Newton, Colin Towns, Pierre Bachelet & Merve Roy, Pino Donaggio, Francis Coppola, Abigail Mead, TwinSisterMoon, Pharmakon, Eduard Artemiev, Einstürzende Neubauten, Delia Derbyshire, Thomas Leer & Robert Rental, Boards Of Canada, Slant Azymuth, and Fabio Frizzi.